****
Hercule Poirot and Nero Wolfe are invited to meet with Queen Elizabeth at Windsor Castle. She is interested in discussing sleuthing with two of the giants of crime fiction.
Her Assistant Personal Secretary, Rozie Oshodi, ushers them to the Oak room.
Poirot loves the beauty of the rooms and Wolfe is grudgingly impressed by the grandeur of the Castle.
Wolfe hesitates when asked. He has rarely consumed tea and has no real desire for tea but does not want to offend the Queen. Noticing his hesitation she smiles and says:
“How about Remmers for you Mr. Wolfe? We have some bottles cooling. My staff could get you two and a bottle opener with my Coat of Arms upon it. We know you like to open them yourself.”
Stunned, Wolfe replies:
“Er, er, er …. that would be wonderful but let me not impose upon your hospitality.”
The Queen says:
She orders Twinings Earl Grey tea for herself.
When all have their beverages the Queen says:
“It is time to discuss sleuthing.”
Poirot and Wolfe slightly nod.
The Queen commences:
“I am sure we can agree that all three of us are believers in using the little grey cells, not brawn, in solving murder.”
Poirot and Wolfe emphatically nod their heads.
The Queen carries on:
“I believe style is important in establishing standards of professionalism. I am always conscious of my appearance though sometimes I weary of the endless choices of jewels”.
Poirot responds:
“I agree with your Majesty. The fine custom suits and hats and shoes I wear give confidence to all that my appearance, dapper if I may be so bold, is professional”.
Wolfe adds:
“My brown suits and yellow shirts and the orchids I raise show the world I am a serious man of taste and refinement.”
All three spend a few minutes lamenting contemporary sleuths who pride themselves on looking like ordinary folk
The Queen says:
“I consider a personal secretary, a sidekick I believe is the word in America, essential. I would be lost without Ms. Oshodi. I could not remain in the shadows of an investigation but for her. It would be unseemly if One needed to conduct interviews. Your thoughts gentlemen.”
Poirot quickly says:
“The good Captain Hastings is useful. He is eager to participate and occasionally helpful.”
Wolfe says:
“I completely agree. Were it not for Archie I would have to leave the brownstone to observe crime sites and conduct interviews. That would be most unsatisfactory.”
The Queen notes:
“Having a sidekick, I like that word, with military training such as Hastings and Oshodie who were both army captains gives them respect in society and access to officialdom.”
Wolfe states:
“I admire how you use suggestions, innuendoes, discreet inquiries and quiet words in an ear. You have the advantage of us, Your Majesty, with hundreds of devoted staff and a nation eager to help you.”
The Queen, a touch tartly:
“I may have the advantage in human resources but I have the disadvantage, as Philip reminds me, of being perceived as a ‘little old lady in a hat’. You gentlemen will never be underestimated. You each bear the title of genius somewhat lightly.”
Poirot quickly moves on:
“Ma’am, I admire that in successfully pursuing your investigations you received no glory for solving murder. Indeed, you avoid mention. You seek no recognition. Justice is what is important to yourself.”
Wolfe blunders on:
“Ma’am, I do believe you have a great advantage because of your stature. Who refuses the Queen’s invitation to a discussion at the Castle or Palace? Archie almost has to dragoon individuals to come to meetings at the brownstone.”
The Queen graciously nods and says:
“One does use the allure of the throne and the invitation of helping the monarch of the realm.”
The Queen carries on:
“Mr. Wolfe, how exciting it must be to have meetings of murder suspects in your office with cocktails and beer as you reveal the killer.”
Wolfe acknowledges with a slight smile and replies:
“Such meetings are the only practical way to establish the killer without ever leaving the brownstone. I do acknowledge how satisfactory it is to confound the gathered with a precise reasoned analysis”.
The Queen says:
“I do have an ulterior motive to this meeting.”
Poirot and Wolfe lean forward, their interest piqued.
The Queen carries on:
“Would you be willing to combine our talents to solve murder? The internet makes world communication instant. We have trusted sidekicks to handle details and technical matters. My contacts around the world are unparalleled. M. Poirot is a master of the subtle interview. Mr. Wolfe has the determination of the English bulldog. For progress meetings I can invite the two of you for a dine and sleep. For the climax of cases M. Poirot and myself could fly to New York City to sit in on the meetings at which Mr. Wolfe unveils the killers.”
Poirot sprightly arises and announces:
“Ma’am, it would be the highlight of my life to unravel murder with you and Nero.”
Wolfe heaves himself to his feet and says:
“Nothing would make me happier than to join you, Ma’am, and Hercule in solving murders.”
The Queen gracefully rises and proclaims:
“Killers beware! The most formidable team of sleuths the world has ever seen is on the case!”
****
Apparently, someone has overheard this conversation and leaked to the press that these three eminent individuals had tea, and not speculation is rampant. All of the tabloids are putting forth their guesses as to what the meeting was about, because they're getting no help from Poirot or Wolfe, and certainly not from the Queen. When asked directly, Wolfe only says 'Phui!.' When he was asked, Poirot only tells reporters to get their briefings from official royal sources. Her Majesty says little; she smiles enigmatically and changes the subject. The tabloids are desperate for any information they can get, so I hope the palace staff is ready for an onslaught of reporters...
ReplyDelete(Bill, this was a fantastic post! I loved it! And I can see those three co-operating, too.)